Lost Your Job? Get Over It In These Five Stages – If You Want a New One

They say losing a job is just like losing a close friend or family member.

I never believed that, a job is not a friend or a family member – it’s a job. 

That is until I started networking and interviewing people for my team. I was reminded of this the other day.

I was talking with someone looking for another job, though he’s only been in his current role for less than six-months. So, naturally, I asked him why he was looking for work.

BIG MISTAKE

I always seem to make that mistake, though as an employer, it’s not a bad thing to know these things. It could be the company is going bust, has been sold and the new management has changed the direction and vision. Or it could be, as I painfully found out yesterday, this guy just wasn’t getting any satisfaction.

For the next ten-minutes, I had my ear chewed up and spit out, as this job seeker complained about how much money the company makes from his hard work, and how little he sees in return. He ranted on, and on, and on.

“Don’t they still advise people looking for work to never say anything negative about their current or past employers,” I thought to myself, as the guy continued his horror story.

I just kept quiet, and let him vent.

What else could I do?

Here’s some complete stranger, coughing up the spittle of spite and angst in his life.

I’m just glad it was over the phone, rather than in person. I hate spittle.

Though I’ve had that too.

I’ve sat across the table from someone I’ve just met moments before, go on a verbal assault of their current or past employer.

And again, I just sit and listen.

Just Let it Go

I realized in these, and other similar situations, that losing a job really is like losing a friend or member of the family. It’s part of the healing process we all go through when anything traumatic happens in our lives.

When we lose a job, a friend, or anything changes dramatically in our daily lives, we all go through the five stages of loss and grief:

1. Denial and Isolation

At first we protect ourselves from the loss, by blocking out the world and hiding from the reality of the situation. It’s a natural defense mechanism that helps us rationalize what happened. And that rationalization leads to the next level.

2. Anger

As we try to rationalize and come to grips with the loss, the pain re-emerges and as we are still not ready to move on, we’re still vulnerable. Because we no longer can deny the loss occurred, because we thought about it, we become angry.

This anger may be aimed at things (like your car, house, or a pillow), friends, family, or as in the case of the job seekers I’ve discussed, complete strangers, like me.

We logically know the thing or person we aim our anger at isn’t to blame, however our emotions run high, as our memories of the loss bring back the intense pain, which makes us more angry, and we need to release that anger.

The best course is to talk it out with someone who'll just listen. It helps to just get it out into the open and off your chest.

3. Bargaining

Eventually, as the anger subsides, we feel helpless, and still quite vulnerable. We try to regain control of our lives by 'thinking what if.'

What if I had worked harder on that last project?

What if I had only gone to the corporate holiday party?

What if I had only tried to be a better person?

Naturally, you don't have to try to be a better person, and there is nothing you can do now that you've already lost your job.

This is our mind's way of constantly rationalizing what happened, while looking for solutions to the problem. It's the lack of immediately available solutions that leads to the second last, yet hardest stage. 

4. Depression

This is the hardest hurdle to overcome for anyone going through these stages. Some people never fully get through their depression, which is the ultimate hardship, because if you don’t get past depression, you’ll never move on with your life.

There are actually two types of depression we go through during the loss of a job, a person, or anything close to us. The first is the actual reaction to the loss:

I don’t have a source of income.

I don’t have a job.

I don’t have a regular routine.

l'll never see my co-workers again.

What will I do now?
How will I survive?
What if I can't find work ever again?

This is often dealt with through talking it over with friends, family or a therapist, all of which offering support and encouragement that you’ll get another job and be in a better place soon.

The second form of depression is the more private and sometimes harder one to get through. It’s that little voice in our heads still trying to rationalize what happened, however at this point, we are now starting to also think towards the future and trying to figure out how to say good-bye to once was. 

Saying good-bye to a job isn’t easy. It’s not like you can just show up where you once worked and start shaking hands as you make your way out the building. 

Security!

Don't do that.

What you can do is WRITE. It helps to write out your thoughts and good-byes in a journal, or even a letter or an email – just don’t send that letter or email! This way, you can actually say good-bye to those you worked with, your boss, your co-workers, even the office pooch if there was one. Some even write a good-bye to their desk, their chair, their stack of papers and projects -- sounds silly -- but it does work.

YOU HAVE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

That's the hardest part -- finally realizing that your life is different due to circumstances which may have completely been out of your control, yet you MUST SAY GOOD-BYE to the life you once had, or else you'll never move on to the final stage.

5. Acceptance

This is the breath of fresh air that suddenly appears out of nowhere. It’s like a light bulb suddenly ignited into brightness overhead, as you realize you are whole again, and ready to tackle the world. 

You’ve said your good-byes, got over your thoughts of denial, anger, bargaining and depression. You’re now ready to look for your next job – or maybe you’ve learned the hardships of relying on others for a pay cheque, and will take the bold step of becoming an entrepreneur?

Take it from someone that knows. Not just from interviewing potential job candidates, but even I have gone through all five stages.

We all do at some point in our lives. It's the natural course of dealing with a dramatic, often sudden and unpleasant loss in our lives -- be it the loss of a person, a pet, or a job.

And, after writing this, it got me thinking. There have been job interviews that I've blown by going off the handle as I was still going through the five stages of loss and grief while I looked for work while in the corporate world.

I learned my lessons of grief and acceptance, and about work too. It's far better to risk it all and be your own boss, than take the easy road and rely on someone else for a pay stub.

But that doesn't mean I'll never go through the five stages ever again -- that's just part of being human.